My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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