Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
