god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
