i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
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The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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