I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
