As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
