There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
