nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
