What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
