the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
