And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
