apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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