just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
