Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
