don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
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What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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