I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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