I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
birth control should be required to get into college
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
