He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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