So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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