I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
