Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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