my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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