she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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