Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
