Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
