Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize