I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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