I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
