You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
