You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
