we have pet lesbian snakes
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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