who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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