i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We left the knife in your bed.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
