Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
