I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
