Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
