Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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