She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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