You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
