i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
