im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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