my room smells like sperm. sweet.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw