It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough