I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
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i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
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im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.