A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
