Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
