He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
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I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
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You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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