Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I have fence marks all over my body
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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