dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
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It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
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She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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