she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
