Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
