Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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