dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
