The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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