Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
