just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
