you told grandpa to call you daddy
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?