A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.