She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
