my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
